Thursday, October 2, 2014

I Hate Anxiety and Depression

I suddenly felt inspired to write this. We're coming into the holiday season, and while Halloween is normally a fun holiday, the two following can be darker, and harder to cope with. I'll post a bigger one as we get closer to the heart of the holidays, but I really wanted to share this.

This is from my Tumblr.

I hate depression. It’s a little voice on your back, hanging onto as you go through life. Sometimes it’s like it’s tired, sleeping, dormant. And then, when you least expect it, it’s there, whispering falsehoods and untruths in your ear. Whispering in your heart. It tells you, “You’ll fail. You can’t do that. You’ll never do that.”
Anxiety is the same. It clutches around your head, smaller than depression, but no less loud. See, it’s closer to your ear, so it scream or whisper, depending on its mood. And when it wakes up, often depression wakes up too, and they both talk to you, scream at you. Drag you down.
They can paralyze you, still your hands, your heart. Make your mind race, giving you a killer headache.
At their worst, they reach into your chest, and wrap their filthy hands around your heart. Their screams echo in your mind, you heart is breaking from the pressure, your head from their noise. You collapse, curling into a ball, often in your bed. At times, you want to end it. Their lies have you eyeing the knife, the gun.
But there’s something stronger than either of them, something that can still your hands, and warm your soul.
Love.
Love can break them both. You tell you that you’re not worthy of love. That no one cares. That if you disappear, no one will even cry. They’ll be relieved. The lies can tear the love out of you.
Then comes along love. It can be from a friend, a family member, a lover, a spouse. A complete stranger. And if you hold on, it’ll come. Maybe not from whom it should, but it’ll come.
It can come from me.
And it’s always come to me. I have both. I hate them both. But I can hang on.

And so can you.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Monthly Favorites ~September 2014~

Hey guys!

So I'm making a vow, and ya'll better hold me to it, that I'm gonna post SOMETHING next month, and not just reposting 1 thing randomly inbetween my monthly favorites. -_-'

BUT! Today's the last day of the month, in fact, the last hours of the month, so it's FAVORITES TIME!!!! Let's do this!


BOOK


The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum

This is what the movie from 2003 is based on. I loved the movie, so of course I was interested in reading the book, and BOY am I glad I did! It's quite good, though as an adult novel it's got some nudity and a rape scene. Check out my review HERE to see all my thoughts on it!


TV SHOW


I recently started watching this season on Netflix, and it's AWESOME! Only on episode 6, but I really do like it!



Lab Rats

This is a comedy series that has really brightened my life while depressed or in a bad mood. It's funny, creative, and has a wonderful idea. I really like it for laughs and something fluffy. Even in situations that should dark it's hilarious!


MOVIE


Finally got to see this, and BOY it was worth the wait! So cute and well done, and I love how it set up the original!


YOUTUBERS


Nancy Reads
Check out her channel HERE

I subscribed to Nancy Reads because she had a deep discussion without anger or prejudice about diversity in books. While her favorite type of books isn't mine, her discussions are very deep and fun to watch, as well as her other videos. She posted one video every day this month (except 1), which has only made me glad I subscribed!



abookutopia
Check out her channel HERE

Sasha is addicted to books, The Mortal Instruments, Jennifer L Armentrout, and Scotland. She's also hilarious, clever, smart, and fun to watch! I stumbled onto her channel like most booktubers I follow, and I'm glad I did. She's bright and full of energy while poking fun of herself and her fangirling.


VIDEO


Whose Line Is It Anyway was one of the funniest shows on TV in it's day, and moments like this make it the funniest I've ever seen. You've got to see this one, it's so well done!
MEOW!


MAKEUP


Clinique's CC Cream

My mom accidentally got this in Very Light, which meant it made her look dead, but is a close match to me. When I first apply it, it looks like it's gonna slide right off my face, but after a minute or two it sets and looks GREAT. I really love it. But as an oily girl, I've GOT to set it or it does slide.



The Rocket Mascara by Maybelline

While I still love The Falsies, The Rocket is definitely a favorite! It's great at crazy length and volume, but it can get clumpy, and it's wet formula means getting it on my lids, upper or lower, is almost a given. I don't really like the brush, but I find myself grateful I got this. Just need to replace The Falsies, so I can go for drama, or DRAMA as I wish by bouncing between these two. :)


MUSIC

1.

Boom Clap by Charlie XCX

While I'm still in love with Shake It Off by Taylor Swift, I think I listened to this more this month! I stumbled onto the music video while winding down for bed, and fell in love! I haven't and don't plan to see The Fault in Our Stars (I know, I'm weird, but it's too depressing!!!), but this song is making me rethink that...

2.

La La Latch by Pentatonix

Number 2 is DEFINITELY this song! I saw the music video shortly after it premiered, and fell in love. It went live on Spotify, and I was hooked. Listening to it while I type!

3.

Black Widow by Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora

This is kind of a strange choice for me, especially as the song curses, but I just mute it and enjoy the beat. I love the girl power behind it, and the video was pretty cool.


Those are my favorites this month!

What song do you have constant replay? Catching up on a show?
Let me know!
:)

Monday, September 29, 2014

Why I'm Not a Feminist

This was originally posted on Tumblr, which is infamous for the cruel people claiming to be feminists. I realized I haven't posted a thing on here for a month, but wanted to share this.

This is a hot topic right now, with everyone from Emma Watson to Taylor Swift taking a stand. And I wanted to post my opinion.

I don’t claim to be a feminist. I never really have because my first introduction to one was a woman who used the male gender against those who have it. But I still was at least behind the idea because from kindergarten I’ve had my gender used against me in every way possible. It was just one piece of the hate that’s been thrown my way. I’ve been attacked over my age, gender, race, religion, skin color, class, and probably more things, but I don’t want to spend 2 hours trying to list every derogatory that’s been said with or without physical assault.

I may get hate for this, but I’m just gonna take a page from my religion’s book and say, “hate away and be damned.”

I’m not a feminist. And yet I am.

The original feminists demanded equal rights. They demanded that they’re gender not being put in the equation that people use to determine worth. They demanded that it not be there at all. The law states in the USA that it CAN’T be there for jobs, housing, things like that. But it is. It always is. Always has. They just don’t always vocalize it. The fact that it’s still there is wrong.

Something that keeps popping up, that’s pissing off so many is that the majority of feminists that speak up often turn out to be sexists in disguise. They use men’s gender against them. That is sexism. Just because you’re female does NOT change that. And yet, it still does.

I wanna talk about someone on Tumblr that I used to look up to, long because Tumblr existed. Tamora Pierce. She’s a women’s rights activist. Nothing wrong with that. But everything other thing she said was what a sexist male had said, with the gender term used switched from female or women or girls to male, men, boys.

Which disgusts me.

Gender should not be in the equation. Ever. For or against anything. It shouldn’t be there. Not listed, not used.

And it is. Every. Single. Time.

I’m saying all feminists are men haters or sexist. Just almost every one I’ve ever met since I was in elementary school.

Why I’m not a feminist is because the term is no longer as loose to encompass a grand idea anymore. Feminists should be fighting for ALL rape victims, male or female. Should be fighting for ALL domestic abuse victims. Male, female, children. They should be in equality for ALL. They should be ashamed of ALL use of derogatory things, whether it be against MEN, WOMEN, CHILDREN. GAYS, STRAIGHT. ATHEISTS. RELIGIOUS. POOR. RICH.

AND THEY’RE NOT.

Not ONE post, not ONE comment, not ONE speech have I EVER heard a feminist do this. Fighting for equality.

I’m not a feminist because I don’t want to bound by one side. I don’t have a political party for the same reason.

I want EVERYONE to be equal. I want a gender not to matter. Whether I wear skirts and dresses with high heels all time while wearing makeup, or wearing baggy pants, a hoody, barefaced in skater shoes. I’ve seen perhaps the best person who claimed to be a feminist ripped apart on here because she was engaged with a baby on the way. I’ve seen men torn apart because they want to be stay at home dad’s, or wear a man purse. I’ve seen people attacked for EVERYTHING I’VE LISTED.

By “feminists”.

So no, I’m not a feminist.

I believe in 100% equality for children, men, and women.

And while the women the could be beaten bloody by their husbands, fathers, and brothers, marched for equality for all, we’ve lost that. So I’m not a “feminist”. I’m someone that believes in equality.

You can say that’s being a feminist. But not according to almost every single one I’ve seen.

Go ahead, send me anon hate.

Hate away and be damned. I’m gonna be focusing on people that need help.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Monthly Favorites ~August 2014~

Hey guys!

So August has ended and September is here! Which means it's time to go over all of my favorites! Make sure to check out my YouTube channel HERE to see my Monthly Wrap Up focused on EVERYTHING I read this past month, not just my number 1 favorites.


BOOKS


Slaves of Socorro by John Flanagan

I am a HUGE John Flanagan fan. He hasn't written anything that I haven't loved! Seriously! His newest release is no different! It's fun, funny, a blast! I adored it!



Teen Titans: It's Our Right to Fight by Scott Lobdell, Brett Booth and Norm Rapmund

One of the MANY new 52 titles I read this past month, it's a stand out because of how fun it is. While many of the others were dark and twisted this was a blast and great fun! Reminds me a lot of Young Justice! I just hope it runs longer than the show did!


MOVIE


Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier

I managed to catch this just before it left the cheap theaters with my girl LA Knight! We both adored it so much she started another amazing fanfic about it! Also saw it another time...on YouTube. BE WARNED that one has about 5 minutes muted. -_-'
Expect this on DVD and Blu Ray soon!


TV SHOWS


Fullmetal Alchemist (original series)

This is the series that doesn't follow the manga very truly at all, but it's what got me into the manga back in the day! I actually missed several episodes and never got to see them, so it's been fun seeing the old stuff combined with new episodes entirely! (Watch this BEFORE you read the manga, otherwise you won't be able to finish unless your a diehard fan like myself)



Star Wars: The Clone Wars
The Lost Missions (season 6)

This is the first and only 12 episodes made for season 6, which never aired on TV due the transfer of the rights from Cartoon Network to Disney. It's on Netflix, and thanks to my girl LA Knight I'm now able to watch it! And it's GOOD! They TOTALLY set the stage for Episode III Revenge of the Sith. You see Anakin's downward spiral and they touch upon Order 66. I'm also not done with this, but I can't wait to get into it. I'll hopefully be done with it before Star Wars: Rebels (the movie) airs but probably not.


VIDEOS


LA Knight's Once Upon A Time Trailer
by Nicole Godard

This is for LA Knight's fanfic of the same name, which you can read HERE. It's a Hellboy Fanfic I've been editing as Beta for YEARS. Because it's AWESOME! And this vid is awesome too!!!



Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

I've had this video on repeat ever since I heard it. I've already listened to it at least once today and probably will hear it a million times more. I ADORE it! It's so funny, and Taylor said it was about how you can just shake off the haters, and she showed it by getting a bunch of professional dancers and then throwing herself into the mix. So funny, cute, and I adore the message (if not the twerking).


YOUTUBER


Novels and Nonsense
YouTube Channel HERE

Sam of Novels and Nonsense actually subscribed to me first thanks to a video where WhittyNovels told her followers to advertise their channels in the comments. I did and she subscribed after telling me that we were about the same age and had the same interests. Of course I was intrigued and I'm OBSESSED! She's funny, quirky and awesome. Love her! Zelda and Doctor Who fans, SUBSCRIBE TO HER TOO! She's so nice. :)


MUSIC


Happiness by Red Velvet

Like two days before I got into Shake It Off (which is, let's face it, the number 1 song of the month) I found this weirdo video that's as random as the image above. But it's incredibly catchy despite being in Korean (ya'll know I love K Pop). When I looked up the lyrics I found it's positive message of looking for happiness, not wealth and power, uplifting. And then I got addicted to it, and it was barely not number 1.



Chasing the Sun by Hilary Duff

Another song I heard via the music video (which ya'll should check out because it's hilarious and cute!). This I also found myself just humming along to and I've heard it a million times this month now!



Edge of a Revolution by Nickelback

This song doesn't have a video that I'm aware of (if I'm wrong, just let me know!) but I got into it because of Spotify. And despite the fact they say the S word 3 times I can't stop listening to it! It's really powerful and with all the drama in the media this past month I found it quite fitting. Helped my rage come out and not overwhelm me too much through the sadness in the media.


PERSON


Robin Williams

Sadly Robin Williams passed away this past month, a great tragedy. This image basically sums it all up.
If this has made you feel terribly sad and have some dark thoughts of your own, please check out my post about it HERE.
Rest In Peace, man. You were loved.


RANDOM


Boots Botanics Soothing Eye Makeup Remover

I have NEVER found a good eye makeup remover until now. This does have an oil base, and it isn't hypoallergenic, BUT! It's the ONLY eye makeup remover that hasn't hurt my eyes at ALL, it gets practically EVERYTHING off (unless I layer up my mascara, which is all but impossible to remove completely), and doesn't leave a sheen on my eyeball (which is FRUSTRATING!!!!). It's AWESOME! I love it! Yes, there's a bit of a shine on my eyelids after I use it, but that goes away after I wash my face in the morning. ADORE IT!


So that was everything I've been loving this month! Make sure to click my links, and be sure to subscribe on YouTube to see my videos, I upload 3 times a week (unless there's something going on, I may only get 1 up around Thanksgiving).

:)

Friday, August 29, 2014

My Month(s) in Pics ~July 7th to August 29th~

Yup, it's been more than a MONTH!

"WHY!?!" You may be screaming at me from the other side of the computer/tablet/smartphone screen.

Well,
1) I'm a tad lazy
2) I got a temp job
3) BookTube has taken over my life.
4) I'm lazy
5) These bug the crap outta my carpal tunnel.

But mostly I'm lazy and haven't been taking pictures. Now I've got a good group of them, despite the lack of me having a camera on me, or my phone being dead, or not having the SD card in it (I ruined LA Knight's card, so I'm using my cell's card...yeah, I'm that skilled). So here they are!!!



It's been so long it took me a bit to figure out what this was, lol!
I took a quiz where they guess who I am. They think I'm Black. Mostly right, but nope! Pasty white girl here!



This is why my back hurts when I've been reading too much, because I look like that in my computer chair. :)



The 6th was REALLY cool, because I saw Dragon Ball Z: Battle of the Gods in theaters with my brother and some of his and mine friends! There were only 4 showings in Tucson, and it was the last one that we went to. The audience was mostly male, and practically no one was under 20, save a few kids or baby brothers there. It was really well done, and I loved it, especially as the whole audience were rabid fans. So fun!



This really did happen, and yes, that's what I want, in a way. :D



LOL! I thought this was hilarious and I had to share it! Those people are why I don't naturally respect my "elders".



Got a bunch of recent followers on Twitter, Tumblr, and subscribers on YouTube! Thank you ALL, it means so much that you care about the stuff I like or post! <3



A screenshot of me midword during the video I posted on Monday!
Click HERE to check it out! :)



I know I've posted about this before, but this hasn't been repinned in the past month, so I thought I'd just share the last time someone did. 2998 people have thought this so cool they added it to their boards! WOW! Really cool!


See, not a lot of pictures, and almost all of them are from the computer.

I haven't posted my past videos on here mostly from my hands. I did post a chapter in my fanfic on here, in case you missed it. Make sure to follow me on Pinterest, Tumblr, Twitter, and YouTube to keep up to date with all my shenanigans across the interwebs! I'm posting another video tonight, so stay tuned for that on YouTube!

Laters!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

W.i.t.c.h. The Full Story: Part II Chapter 5 - Kaleb

I know, I know. I haven't written a post on here in forever, and I haven't posted writing in months! I've been cranking out the videos, and focusing on that, but never fear, I've been planning and plotting my writing, but after a page of writing my hand cramps up. That's not enough to post, and it takes a while for it to recover. I'm currently in my brace right now.

Anywho, during #AYearAThon this month I read W.i.t.c.h. 10 A Bridge Between Worlds, and I've been dying to write more on this ever since! So it's FINALLY out! I may just do a second chapter right after this one, if my right hand holds.

It's short, but here it is!


Chapter 5
Kaleb
Meridian

He was thirteen. Young, arrogant, and self-assured, Kaleb was positive he was ready to join the rebellion. Not that Aldurin would listen.
“But my father was the leader!” Kaleb yelled at the now thirty-seven-year-old Quelthar.
“That’s why I don’t want you to join,” Aldurin replied. “They targeted himbecause he was the leader, and now you’re living with me.”
Kaleb turned away, furious. Aldarn had heard his two sons were training in private to take the trials to join the black, double life of a traitor. So the old smith had browbeaten his blood son first, and now it was Kaleb’s turn. The tall young man refused to be demeaned into obedience without a fight.
“Yes, I’m living with you now, but you can barely afford me!” Kaleb ruthlessly pointed out. When Aldurin’s right eyebrow twitched slightly, he knew that he’d touched a nerve. He plowed on. “You took me in, and taught me that I have to work to eat, and I know that’s a truth. I have lived that truth here in the forge, and in the fields. But I want to do more!” Kaleb lowered his voice, and tried to plead for understanding. “Father,” he begged, “I want to help those who were wronged, like I was. I want to protect people from my fate, and the fate of everyone here. Please. Grant me an audience for a trial.”
Aldurin was not an old man, but he looked it. Years of suffering and pain, of oppression and sorrow, had aged him. Thirty-seven years was a long time to watch the innocent suffer, and the artisan wore the burden as a cloak that would never be removed. Looking back Kaleb knew that his refusal was an attempt to spare the last of Lei’s family, but at the time, it only annoyed him. He could not fathom the strength of faith in him that Aldurin had to summon before the ironsmith shut his eyes and grunted, “Fine, but any slacking off before then, and you don’t get one, and you don’t eat.”
Excitement flooded the young man, and he began to jump up and down, chanting, “Thank you, I won’t let you down! I

Pain cut the memory off short. His right arm felt as if it had been ripped open and boiling oil had been poured inside. Jerking awake with a cry, Kaleb curled up around the broken limb. It took him a few seconds to realize something smelled terrible, and that something was chattering away to him.
“So sorry, honorable master Human sir! Blunk did not mean to hurt Human rebel’s arm, sir! Blunk only wanted
Kaleb had had enough. He’d been reliving a wonderful memory. In fact, it was perhaps the happiest time in his life, save when his family had been alive. But he could barely remember back to that time. His life in Aimbrish was all he had to reflect on, and being there again had been a blessing as he slowly starved to death in this tiny hole with the stupid little Passling.
Enraged he punched the small, stinky creature, and then curled up to sleep.
“No, no, Human sir!” Poor Blunk was breathless, but still managed to stumble to his feet. Although in pain, exhausted, sick, and starving, Kaleb felt a little bad for striking the runty, green being.
“What do you want, Passling?” He groaned, his eyes closed. “Did you find food?”
“No sir, something better!”
“Like what?” He asked.
“Well Blunk did not find it, Human rebel sir, but it’s there!”
What is?”
“A portal, sir! A portal to a different world just opened up! And it’s right above us, in the chamber where the opening is!”

That got Kaleb up.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

There's Some Good in this World and It's Worth Fighting For

Sorry for not posting lately, I've been really busy, but I have something I want to share today.

People have been talking about Robin Williams, and what his suicide can do to you if your that depressed that you’ve thought about suicide. I decided to put my two cents in.

I’ve battled depression since middle school, and until i was 18 I had no help. I know what it’s like to dream about pain and fear and wake up so afraid, dreading the sunrise and yet craving it because then you can be busy, then you can do something other think, because your thoughts all turn on you. I know what it’s like to not want to sleep because you don’t want to wake up.

When people would try to help me, they’d say that life is dark sometimes, but light too. After therapy and many conversations and dark, dark parts, my view of life is a lot like a forest. A dark, dank, forest. You don’t really know where you’re going, that’s something you learn as an adult, no on does. You don’t know if you’ll succeed at anything. You have no clue. You stumble around, sometimes in the dark, but mostly in a dim light. And then there are moments, whole days even, where you’re in direct sunlight, and the forest falls away for a little while, and you can see the sky. The future’s bright, life is shown in all it’s glorious wonder, and you have no fears or worries.

While it may seem, especially if you have depression or anxiety, or both, that the dark is what wins more often than not, it isn’t. I think life’s equally light and dark, if you live it. You have to live it to see all the light times. There are a lot of them. But sometimes you’re just staring into the dark undergrowth and don’t notice the sun’s on you. You don’t notice when you stumble into groves full of flowers. But they’re there.
And you are not alone.You may wonder if anyone feels the way you do. Lots of people do. Sadly more than you’d think. So many people feel like life isn’t worth living, even if they’re on top of their game. You have people that care about you. Especially with social media, they may never meet you in person, not know you on sight, but they care. I care. Trust me.

Please, if you’re wondering if life’s worth living, it is. Even through the dark parts. To quote Samwise the Brave from The Lord of the Rings:



Frodo asks “What are we holding onto, Sam?”

Sam answered with what I want you to remember, “That there’s some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for!”

The goodness in life is worth fighting for, but you’ll never know if you don’t keep living.

If you need help, ask for it. here’s a link to crisis centers across the globe. if you live in the U.S., this is the national suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255.