Wednesday, August 14, 2013

W.i.t.c.h. The Full Story: Part I Chapter 4 - Will

Hey ya'll! So apparently I can barely do anything online on my laptop. It's frustrating, but I'm alright.

Today I've been super productive. I realized that I haven't been working on my writing and editing like I should, especially since I do have something to edit. It's gonna take a little while because I'm editing for someone who've I've never edited for before, which means I have to explain in detail every little thing.

But I digress.

I managed to get this entire chap edited and wrote an entirely new scene all in under 2 hrs, which is pretty awesome if I do say so myself! So here it is, heading back to Will, chap 4.

Chapter 4
Will - Heatherfield

After changing in the girls’ uniform for the school, a maroon and cream plaid skirt, oxford shirt, charcoal pantyhose, and clunky Mary Jane shoes, she stared at her reflection in the mirror.

"Ugh," she groaned. "It’s got a dinky tie."

Grimacing, she left the nurse’s bathroom and returned to Knickerbocker’s office across the administration building where her mother and the principal were finalizing Will’s schedule. While that might’ve bothered some kids, Will didn’t really care. So long as she was in advanced science and on the swim team, she’d be satisfied.

"Alright, Wilhemina," Knickerbocker said.

"Will," Will corrected for the millionth time with a sigh.

"This is your class schedule," the principal said, ignoring Will just as she had all morning. "A student has been assigned to guide you for your first week with us. After that being late to class for the both of you will not be tolerated."

"Got it," Will grumbled. Her mom elbowed her, and Will forced a smile. "I understand, ma’am."

"Very well," Knickerbocker said. "You’ll find Taranee in the lobby. Ms. Vandom, I’ll walk you out."

The three of them left the office, and Will saw that the African-American student had stood up and seemed to be waiting for them. Susan turned to Will and gave her a bear hug.

"Have a good day at school, honey."

"Sure, mom," Will said, patting her mother awkwardly. Susan sounded close to tears.

"Listen to your teachers, get along with the other students and make lots of friends!"


"I put some cookies in your lunch bag to help break the ice with the other kids, and—"

"Okay, Mom, I get it!" Will shoved her mom off. Susan just sniffed and smiled. "See you later."

Will turned away and headed over to where the other girl was trying to hide her smile. The red-head wouldn’t look at anyone until her mom had left with Will’s cool clothes.

"Hi, I’m Taranee Cook," the other girl said, still smiling.

Will shook her hand. "Will Vandom."

"I’m supposed to show you around the school and get you to your classes," Taranee said, "but just to let you know, I’m new here myself."

Will smiled. "Then I guess we’ll get lost together."

The two of them studied Will’s class schedule and the miniature map of the campus for a few minutes.

Taranee was the same age and grade as Will, and had the same Homeroom teacher. She’d arrived only three weeks earlier, a month into the semester which started earlier than Will’s previous district. Instead of having the long, luscious locks that seemed to be the common California Girl, Taranee’s hair was electric blue and super short, except for a long, beaded strand over her left ear. While they made their way to the algebra class they both shared, Will asked her how to fit in with the other girls.

"Wear make-up," Taranee automatically answered. When Will stared at her in horror, Taranee went on. "There are a lot of rich kids, whose parents are super models and actors. So all the girls wear makeup, at least a little bit of mascara and a BB cream. And the guys here are HOTT!" She added.

"From the extra T, it sounds as if you got a crush," Will teased. To her surprise, Taranee blushed.

"Well, yeah, but, yeah, I, don’t know his name," she stammered out.

"Wow," Will exclaimed, "you’ve really fallen for this guy, huh?"

"Yeah," Taranee admitted, suddenly fascinated with the floor.

Will laughed. She said, "Don’t worry, you’ll get his attention somehow."

Taranee gave her a grateful smile.

"Any-way," she stammered again, "the girls here can also be a bit vicious about looks. I’m not saying they’re all mean or something, but everyone wears a little something. That’s why my mom let me wear some."

Will sighed. "I just don’t like make-up. I mean, I’m not pretty, so there’s no point in putting on a mask to hide behind."

"Oh, don’t say that!" Taranee exclaimed, looking shocked. "You’re really pretty! Everyone is! Well…" she back tracked, "not everyone. But you are, and so am I. Just wear some mascara and a BB cream and you’re good"

"And what’s a BB cream again?" Will asked, feeling flattered. No one other than her mom had said anything like that to her before. Even her dad had always said she looked like a boy, or something like that.

They continued to talk until they reached room 304, their classroom. Will’s stomach clenched slightly, a sign that she was nervous.

Here we go, Will thought. Taking a deep breath, she followed Taranee inside.

"So where do you sit?" Will asked Taranee, staring at the mass of people filling the cafeteria at lunch.

"Um, I…normally…sit…over there." Taranee was pointing at a table that had a few dorky-looking kids in braces with bad acne. Will grimaced again. "They’re not all that bad," Taranee said. "At least they’re nice. They are not."

"They" were four boys sitting with two very pretty, very arrogant looking, identical girls. The boys’ uniforms were sloppy, their pants barely on their butts and their shirts wrinkled and covered in stains. The two girls were the complete opposite, dressed immaculately, wearing heavy amounts of makeup and looking through fashion magazines while the guys wrestled around and generally made complete fools of themselves.

"The guy with red hair and bad acne is Uriah Dunn," Taranee told her. "The big blond guy is Laurent, but everyone calls him Clubber."

"Clubber?" Will repeated incredulously.

"Yeah, because he’s the one who beats up Uriah’s enemies. The other big doofus is Kurt Van Buren, and the handsome one is N-Nigel."

Will raised an eyebrow and looked at Taranee, who was turning a little pink. "‘Handsome’?"

"The girls are the Grumper sisters," Taranee went on, ignored Will’s comment. "They’re pretty, rich and mean, mean, mean. The older one is Bess, she’s the one sitting right next to Uriah, and her twin is Courtney. I’d avoid everyone at the table like they had the plague."

"No problem," Will assured her. "So, we gonna sit over at the reject table or what?"

"That’s mean, calling them the reject table."

Will jumped at the high voice. She spun around to see three girls watching them. One was tall and blonde, who wore the uniform as if it was designed for her. Behind her was a Hispanic girl with bright blue eyes and was laughing. The one who’d spoken was the smallest girl, a tiny Asian girl, who continued speaking.

"Just because some of them have…problems, doesn’t mean—"

"Oh whatever, Hay Lin," the blonde said. "Martin and his geeky friend are rejects."

"That’s really mean, Cornelia!" Hay Lin protested.

Cornelia shrugged and moved past them.

"It’s not because of how they dress, but because they’re creepy," the Hispanic girl said. "Come on, Tim still eats his boogers."

"You don’t know that, Irma."

"Oh yes I do. Martin tells me about it when he follows me home. And about Anthony’s drooling problem."

"Martin follows you home?" Will asked, feeling a little freaked out.

Irma rolled her eyes. "He’s obsessed. Just last week he was serenading me from my front lawn and until the neighbors called the cops."

"I thought your dad was a cop," Taranee remarked.

"Yup. It was hilarious," Irma said, laughing. "So, you two need a place to sit, right?"

Will and Taranee nodded shyly.

"Well, you can sit with us," Irma told them. "If only because it’ll bug Cornelia."

Feeling nervous and shy, Will and Taranee followed the two girls to the largest table in the room.


  1. And here we go with chapter 4 of WITCH! Excitement! I'm happies. Happy, happy, happy. I have everything I want - you, Megan (pacing up and down like an insomniac in the night), jam sandwiches, Pepsi, good music, and...oh, and cats. Can't forget cats. So long as they stay the heck away from our computer cords (and our food and our faces).

    Onward to WITCH while listening to OLD Linkin Park! =)

    "After changing in the girls' uniform for the school, a maroon and cream plaid skirt..."
    inTO the girls' uniform
    Fo' sho', yo.
    Yeah, I have no idea. =)

    Seriously, Fanny McKnickers, her name is WILL!
    Also I just realized - Word is saying "Wilhemina" isn't how it's spelled, that it's supposed to be "Wilhelmina." With a second L.

    Well at least they gave her a guide. That's nice. And it's Taranee. That's extra nice. Fate, man.
    I sound like one of those stoner bums who worship stolen Tiki gods from Hawaii and have crazy dreads and whatnot. Sigh. Don't judge me, world! I'm not a stoner! I just act like one sometimes!

    "After that being late to class for the both of you will not be tolerated."
    Comma after "that."
    Ugh, I remember when I got lost my first Friday of high school, and I finally made it back to the front office and I'd been terrified the whole time that I was going to get in trouble if people thought I was ditching or whatever, and so when I made it back to the office I burst out crying. They were very sympathetic.

    Ew, Will called her "ma'am." I mean, I know she's just trying to stay off their radar but ew.

    "Sure, mom," Will said, patting her mother awkwardly. Susan sounded close to tears."
    "mom" should be capitalized
    omg I'm loving the awkward. She's like, "I get it, Mom. No, really, I get it. Mom. Mom? Mom! Seriously!" Lol.
    And her mom is just like, "My little baby is all grown up and savin' China!"

    "The red-head wouldn't look at anyone until her mom had left with Will's cool clothes."
    You can take out "had"
    redhead (no dash)
    omg, her "cool clothes" - love it! So funny! And true. Tragically, tragically true. Welcome to the Mindless Drone Army, Ms. Vandom. Check your individuality at the door and don't ditch your tie. You can trade it for a cookie at the end of the day. What kind of cookie? A mind-control cookie! Muahahahahaha!

    "Then I guess we'll get lost together."
    I like her attitude. =) She could totally be like, "Well, great. Thanks for nothing." And she's not. Cool.

    Taranee's hair is blue? I like. And she has a Padawan braid! Cool!
    Okay, not really, but it's close enough. I can dream. =D

    "While they made their way to the algebra class they both shared..."
    their way to THEIR SHARED algebra class...

    "There are a lot of rich kids, whose parents are super models and actors."
    "supermodels" is one word

  2. I'm getting a little sleepy, and because I'm sleepy, I'm jealous of you, because you're like, "Sippy-sippy of Pepsi, slurp-sip, done. ENERGY!!" And I'm like, "Chug-chug-chug-chug! Belch. energy." Lol.

    Now I have to go to the bathroom...but I don't want to stop reading! And no one heard me mooing like a cow! I'm so sad! That would've been funny. =)

    "Well, yeah, but, yeah, I, don't know his name."
    I would take out the last comma, after "I."
    She's so cute though. She's got a crush, lol. So cute.

    "Will laughed. She said, 'Don't worry, you'll get his attention somehow.'"
    You don't need the "she said" in there.

    "'Well...' she back tracked, 'not everyone. But you are..."
    backtracked (one word)

    "And what's a BB cream again?"
    LOL! She's me back then! =) "OMG what is foundation!?!?!" Haha, everyone thought I was joking. No one could believe I was that cosmetically ignorant. *sigh* Good times. Slightly humiliating, but good.

    "Will's stomach clenched slightly, a sign that she was nervous."
    You can (actually should) take out the second half of this sentence. It goes back to showing versus telling. You don't have to say that her stomach clenching is a sign of nerves. 1) it's a common reaction and 2) we already know as the reader that Will is probably really nervous.

    Ew, just got to the cafeteria scene with the "It Boys" sagging their pants. Blurgh.

    Awww, man. Why does one of the punk boys have a cool name like Uriah? I like that name a lot for some reason.

    Clubber? Really? Omg, you gotta be kidding. These kids have no imagination. Wow. Clubber.

    Taranee has a crush on one of the punk boys? NO! No, no, no! You're kidding! Taranee! Girl! Don't look at him. That frog is NOT turning into a prince. He's a frog. Don't waste your kisses. Don't squander your love. Pick some hottie from Kandrakar. Why am I talking to a fictional character? I don't know. Whatever, lecturing on love just now. Ditch the jerky stud and focus on...erm...saving the world. Yeah, that's the ticket!

    The Grumper sisters? *head-desk* Talk about some unfortunate names.

    “They’re pretty, rich and mean, mean, mean."
    Serial comma - should have a comma after "rich"
    I like the "mean, mean, mean" thing. It's like, "Ew, not just mean. They're mean cubed." Except with less mathematical loserness attached. You know?

    "Behind her was a Hispanic girl with bright blue eyes and was laughing."
    Behind her was a LAUGHING Hispanic girl with bright blue eyes.

    Awww, Hay Lin's cute. She's like, "I will fight the fight and stand up for the rejects!" Not that *I* think they're rejects, because I totally don't, but it's nice. And cute.

    And of course Cornelia is like, "I'm a supermodel and they suck. So there." I can see what Yan Lin meant about arrogance and pride.

    Oh, ew, that kid eats boogers? Are you serious? GROSS! And the other kid is a stalker...And the third kid drools. Wow. They ARE the reject table.

    "Martin follows you home?" Will asked, feeling a little freaked out.
    Take out "feeling." It still works and it's got a more teenagerish feel to the narrative

  3. "Just last week he was serenading me from my front lawn and until the neighbors called the cops."
    take out "and"
    omg who does that, though? I just asked you that, but seriously...he's an idiot. I mean, really. He's just...I don't even have words to describe this boy, actually. "I'm going to go cause a public disturbance on a police officer's lawn." I hope my kids don't do that. Serenading is nice (and should be done often) but not at 11 at night on someone's lawn. Unless everyone's on the lawn. Then that's not serenading. That's a party. =)

    "Will and Taranee nodded shyly.
    “Well, you can sit with us,” Irma told them. “If only because it’ll bug Cornelia.”
    Feeling nervous and shy, Will and Taranee followed the two girls to the largest table in the room."
    Since you say they nodded shyly, you don't have to say they were feeling nervous AND shy. We already know.

    GAH! My heart is shattering into millions of teensy tiny fragments that pierce me to the core because I'm at the end. I feel like I've just seen someone kick my box of kittens. I want to cry. I want to hug you...but you're working. So I'm hugging you with my super powers. =) Now let's all keep calm and ride unicorns into the purple skies because I'm cracked out on sleepiness that isn't making me sleepy, just loopy.

    But still...GAH! THE END!! Argh! Urgh, blegh. *dies* Resurrect me soon, Lorien! Soooooooon!

    Or avenge me. I'm good with that.