And sorry for not getting this done sooner, but I had to watch some episodes and get in the zone. Kinda forgot what the heck was going on here. When you haven't looked at something in three years, that happens.
Anywho, here's the first chapter! :)
Part I
It Begins
Chapter 1
Aldarn
The crackle of lightning and booming of thunder echoed
Aldarn’s tension. The young Quelthar glanced up at the impressive lightshow,
but his mind was else ware. Kaleb, his captain, mission leader, and best friend
was running late. Normally that wouldn’t be a problem, but tonight it was much
more than that. After all, Kaleb was inside scouting out a possible raid on
King Phobos’s armory.
Aldarn took a deep breath, trying to calm
his nerves, but it didn’t help. When he closed his eyes all he saw was Kaleb
captured, tortured and finally hung from the ramparts as a reminder to those
who would dare to steal from the immortal, sorcerer king.
Where are you, Kaleb? The
nervous rebel thought for the thousandth time.
Kaleb was never late. He’d slip in, be
there half hour at most, and then slip out, taking one or two weapons with him,
or even a whole bundle under the guise of a servant or slave moving something.
It was brilliant, the way he’d grab a bucket and mop his way through the entire
building, taking note of every room, what was in it, who was in it and at what
time they moved around. He didn’t try anything he wasn’t sure he could handle,
and did it quickly. At least, that is what he’d been doing. But they were
nearing the second hour of this venture and every minute they lingered they
neared discovery.
“Kaleb,” Aldarn growled beneath his
breath.
He dared not speak any louder. Nor call
out, pace, or even move in the slightest. He stood stock still. The two of them
agreed to meet beneath the north-western edge of the Thorn Cliffs beneath
Castle Metamoor’s wall in the swamp. Close to the edge and built into the wall
itself was Phobos’s mighty armory, the only place on the Kadoka continent where
large amounts of weapons could be found. Even though Aldarn was two hundred
feet below the top of the castle walls, the King was no fool. The guards on the
ramparts were handpicked with magnificent eyesight and hearing to notice even the
quietest of intruders. Aldarn had almost been spotted twice already; once
because of carelessness, the other for Kaleb’s stupidity.
Aldarn sighed again out of nervousness.
Trying not to pace, he sent a silent prayer to the heavens.
Almighty Creator, please bless that Kaleb
and me get out of this alive. Doing so as free men would be nice. And please
bless that your Guardians return. alMen-Queltha.
Aldarn felt a bit calmer after the
prayer. Somehow, he felt that they’d survive this hair-brained scheme and live
to return to the village. But his good feeling fled when he heard the alarm
horn. Gut in his mouth, heart hammering, Aldarn stared up at the wall, trying
to hear what the guards were yelling at each other.
“Intruder! Intruder in the armory!”
“Kaleb, you imbecile!” Aldarn muttered.
Cursing under his breath, he stepped out so he could see and froze. So long as
he didn’t move, the guards wouldn’t notice him.
Up in Metamoor it was pandemonium. Guards
were running about like chickens with their heads cut off. No one was giving
orders, and the intruder (Kaleb) seemed to be everywhere at once. Aldarn shook
his head. His father always said the Guldons were as a race were prone to
panic. When the going got tough, they couldn’t find their butts with both
hands.
“There he is! Get him!” All at once,
everyone tried to grab Kaleb at the same time. Men were shoving each other
over, running into one other; one even fell off the wall onto the thorns below.
Aldarn tried not to laugh. As a lieutenant himself, he would never let his men fall into such chaos
over one man.
Then he watched as Kaleb leapt onto the
wall. Phobos’s guards laughed and roared in triumph, thinking they had him
cornered. They didn’t. Without looking back, Kaleb dropped a bundle of unstrung
bows down to where Aldarn could easily get to them. Then, he threw a barrel of
gunpowder with a torch sticking out of the top right into the pack of Guldon
guards. Aldarn busted up laughing. No wonder they were panicking. He was
throwing grenades that could blow up half a castle. The explosion ripped off
some of the wall, and more Guldons fell. Aldarn didn’t move as parts of the
building fell all around him. Drawing attention to himself wouldn’t be a good
idea as Kaleb needed his help to escape.
Before the now deaf and shell-shocked
guards managed to pull themselves to their feet, Kaleb leapt onto a large thorn
vine. He climbed down a little ways, jumped onto another, and then a third. A
few jumps later and he was in the bog, covered with stinky mud and bog grass.
Aldarn grinned triumphantly at his captain and best friend.
“I found that bow your grandfather made
when your father your age,” Kaleb informed his humored companion, pointing up
at the hanging bundle that was almost impossible to get to.
Aldarn eyed the hundred feet between them
and the bows. “Cris can make that neck breaking climb tomorrow morning.”
Kaleb broke off whatever it was he was
going to say when an arrow whizzed past his ear. Several Guldons were making
the same climb down the vine while archers continued to shoot at the two men.
Without another word, the two boys raced and weaved through the bog, trying to
stay on the land. Although Kaleb was already drenched, getting any muddier
wasn’t wise. It was harder to track someone who didn’t stink in a crowd.
Just as they neared the edge of the
swamp, disaster struck. An arrow ripped into Kaleb’s side, and knocking him
down. Aldarn slid to a stop, and grabbed Kaleb, dragging him behind a small
rise. It quickly turned into a muddy pincushion with arrows constantly hitting
it. When Aldarn tried to pull Kaleb to his feet, he only ended up back on the
ground with a shriek of pain.
“Kaleb, you must stand!” Aldarn told him.
The guards were drawing closer, and it
sounded like they’d brought dogs with them. Kaleb tried again with the same
results. He grinned at Aldarn, his face muddy.
“I doubt I can.” Kaleb chuckled at the
irony, and gave a soft cry at the pain it caused. “Get out of here, Aldarn.”
“No,” Aldarn replied flatly. “You’re my
partner and friend. No.”
“As your captain, I’m ordering you to
leave,” Kaleb growled, the humor gone from his face. Aldarn opened his mouth to
refuse again when Kaleb said, “Or do you want your father to endure what
happened to your mother again? While you’re still in mourning?”
Aldarn froze. His mother had been
arrested and ganged raped by the police. Less than a year later she lost the
will to live, and committed suicide. That was only a few months ago. Capture
meant certain death, by execution or being worked to death as a slave. He
glared at Kaleb. He was right. Losing Aldarn would be more than his father
could bear and his father was one of only four blacksmiths that would work with
the rebels.
Aldarn took a deep breath and growled,
“You better end up in the mines, and survive until we free you.”
Kaleb gave a dry laugh, and then Aldarn
was running, weaving as fast as he could. He didn’t look back as the dogs raced
after him or the archers continued to shoot at him. He wouldn’t look back as
the guards caught, beat, and dragged his friend to the dungeon and a fate worse
than death.
And here I am with chapter 1!
ReplyDeleteWait, if this is chapter 1, then there’s no more right now? Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why do you torment me? I don’t do this to you. Why do you do it to me? =(
“When you haven’t looked at something in three years, that happens.”
Indeed it does. =)
Ooooh, I love the font you used! For the titles, I mean.
“The crackle of lightning and the booming of thunder echoed Aldarn’s tension.”
That’s a GREAT opening line! =)
“The young Quelthar glanced up at the impressive lightshow, but his mind was else ware.”
“else ware” is actually “elsewhere”
OMG the hanging from the ramparts…before I saw the BBC Robin Hood from 2006, I didn’t realize just how GRISLY that is!
“He’d slip in, be there half hour at most, and then slip out…”
half AN hour
“It was brilliant, the way he’d grab a bucket and mop his way through the entire building, taking note of every room, what was in it, who was in it and at what time they moved around.”
Who was in it (comma) and what…
I found out that this is grammatically correct. It’s called a serial comma. When you have a list of things, as above, there should be a comma before the final conjunction.
“He didn’t try anything he wasn’t sure he could handle, and did it quickly.”
I would change the last clause to “and he was fast.”
“At least, that is what he’d been doing.”
WAS, not is
“…second hour of this venture and every minute they lingered they neared discovery.”
I would change it to, “…lingered, they risked discovery” or “…lingered, the risk of discovery increased.”
“The two of them agreed to meet beneath the north-western edge of the Thorn Cliffs beneath Castle Metamoor’s wall in the swamp.”
No dash in “northwestern”
HAD agreed to meet
Castle Metamoor’s wallS – should be plural, yes?
Thorn Cliffs, huh? *dun-dun-DUNN!*
Oh, you just told me to remind you that you need to describe Kaleb, Aldarn, and the Gouldons. =)
“The guards on the ramparts were handpicked with magnificent eyesight and hearing to notice even the quietest of intruders.”
…handpicked(comma) with magnificent eyesight and hearing IN ORDER to notice…
“…trying to hear what the guards were yelling at each other.”
You can just end it at yelling.
I like how Aldarn prays and feels better, but then the claxxons start screeching, lol. Basically. I just have one question about the prayer. Is “alMen-Queltha” their form of “amen”?
Kudos for use of the word “imbecile!”
I love that word, actually. It always makes me think of Alice in Wonderland 2010, when the supposed future mother-in-law is like, “You’re so pretty, Alice. I know you and Hamish will have lovely little…imbeciles!” And Alice is kind of like, “Pardon?”
“Up in Metamoor it was pandemonium.”
In Metamoor, pandemonium ruled.
“Guards were running about like chickens with their heads cut off.”
Guards RAN about like…
Avoids passive voice. =)
Ironic that I’m listening to “I Knew You Were Trouble,” and as Kaleb sets of the alarm and Aldarn’s like, “DUDE!” Taylor is singing, “I knew you were trouble…” Lol.
“His father always said the Guldons were as a race were prone to panic.”
His father HAD always said the Guldons AS A RACE were prone to panic.
“All at once, everyone tried to grab Kaleb at the same time.”
Take out “all at once” or “at the same time.” They give the same impression.
“Men were shoving each other over, running into one another; one even fell of the wall into the thorns below.”
Men SHOVED each other over, RAN into one another; one even PLUMMETTED from the wall into the thorns below.
But ha! So there, guard of Phobos the evil one!
OMG Kaleb threw a bomb at them!!!!
ReplyDeleteAwesome.
“…Kaleb leapt onto a large thorn vine.”
Ouch! Didn’t that hurt? Weren’t they stabbity and painful?!
Ew, bog mud. Gross!
“I found that bow your grandfather made when your father your age.”
Did you mean “when you WERE your Father’S age” ?
“…pointing up at the hanging bundle that was almost impossible to get to.”
Impossible to REACH.
Sounds better.
“Cris can make that neck breaking climb tomorrow morning.”
“neck-breaking” with a dash looks better
Beware the whizzing arrow, Kaleb! RUN!
“…making the same climb down the vine while archers continued to shoot at the two men. Without another word, the two boys raced and weaved through…”
Okay, in the first sentence, you call them men, but in the next they’re boys. Which one is it? *confused*
GAH! Kaleb got SHOT!! NO!!!
“When Aldarn tried to pull Kaleb to his feet, he only ended up back on the ground with a shriek of pain.”
Guys don’t shriek. I mean, yeah, they obviously do, but that’s such an unmanly word. I would say “a yelp of pain” or “a cry of pain” or “a sharp sound of pain” or something. When I see the word “shriek,” I think of guys screaming like girls. And maybe he would, but it makes him less hot (yes, I know he’s 18 – shhh!).
“Kaleb, you must stand!”
“I doubt I can,” Kaleb chuckled at the irony.”
Where’s the irony? Me confused… (@.@)
Kaleb got shot! How did I not KNOW this?! How did I not remember?!?!
“Or do you want your father to endure what happened to your mother again? While you’re still in mourning?”
GREAT way to introduce some of Aldarn’s backstory.
That’s SAD, too!
Is Kaleb gonna die?! I know he’s not but my inner child is like, “OMG, is Kaleb gonna DIE?!?!”
“His mother had been arrested and gang raped by the police. Less than a year later she lost the will to live, and committed suicide. That was only a few months ago.”
“His mother had been arrested and gang(dash)raped by the police. Less than a year later she’D lost the will to live and committed suicide. That HAD BEEN only a few months ago.”
This was NOT in the original! Was it? JEEZ!!
This is why I screamed, by the way.
“You better end up in the mines, and survive until we free you.”
And I’m reminded of Nuada and John in chapter 54, when John was bleeding to death and Nuada was like, “If you die, and break her heart, I’ll kill you.” Lol.
Lorien…WHY am I at the END?! WHY!?!?! HMMM?!?!?
Why did you do this to me?
You’re punishing me for something, aren’t you?
It’s because I’m green, isn’t it?!
Lamentations! Where is chapter 2?!?! GAH!!
MORE!
(>.<)
<3