Sorry for not uploading last week, this is the first time in over a week that I've felt healthy enough to work at ALL. I've been battling the flu, or a super cold, but it tastes like the flu. Ugh! *shudders* Anyway, I've gotten better a tiny bit each day, and today I've felt my best yet! Barely coughed at all!
So tonight, I decided to just work a little. I managed to get a chap of this done, although I'm stuck on Warrior (go figure). It's a short chapter, but I think it's good! Let me know what you think!!!
Chapter 3
Yan
Lin
Earth
Yan Lin’s heart nearly jumped out of her
chest when she felt the pull. She’d been describing their house lo mein to an
elderly couple from out of town when she’d felt a tug on her heart, and a soft
voice whispering over and over to come up the stairs. Recognizing it as the
Heart, Yan flagged a waiter over to finish taking their orders, and then headed
upstairs again. After tossing out some underwear and ancient clothes that’d hid
the glowing jewel from her family, she gently removed the tiny, pink gem from
the elegant box that kept it safe. Just before the whispering stopped and the
vision began, she laid on her bed. Then darkness came and took her away.
The last time she’d seen the young man, he
was daring an angry customer to continue to push him. But he was daring no
more. Slumped in the dark, full of too much pain to move, he watched the
outline of the Passling as it sniffed here and there, wondering if there was
anything to eat, rotten or not. Through the power of the Heart, she was able to
see the terrible marks that covered him, and the farseeing stare that revealed
he’d been tortured, and tortured extensively. He cradled his right arm
carefully against his chest. Yan saw that it was a compound fracture, with part
of the bone sticking out. If that wound remained untreated, he’d be disfigured
for life.
This is a Bringer of Light.
The voice boomed from the center of the
vision, deep in Yan’s mind. She knew that voice. She trusted it.
His world will fade and die in Darkness
without him. They cannot help him. They cannot win without him.
She knew the rest before it even began. The
new Guardians could never be convinced of their powers, their duty, in time. He’d
die from thirst long before the girls would be strong enough to dive into the
palace dungeons and get him.
But you can. You have powers still, and will
until the new generation is ready. He must be saved.
He slipped into unconsciousness, hoping to
never wake again.
Yan woke up feeling sick to her stomach. When
she sat up, a drop of water on her hand startled her. That’s when she realized
she was crying, had since she’d seen him in the dungeon. She knew that place.
Knew it, and hated it. Too many close friends and good people had died there in
the dark beneath Phobos’s palace.
Feeling emotionally drained, Yan got to her
feet. She headed to the bathroom to wash the tears from her face, then almost
jumped when she saw her reflection. The moment the Heart had called to her, she
thought she was only nineteen again, since it hadn’t spoken to her in over
fifty years. But her young face had lost its elasticity; her silky black hair
had become wispy and gray. The Guardian of Air was nineteen no longer—she was seventy-four.
Unbeknownst to her, the Heart had placed
itself around her neck. She stared at it for a second, and then whispered
aloud.
“How can I do this?” Her Mandarin came out
harsh, no longer the musical song it used to be. “I am not young. I have no
strength. I can’t do this.”
The Heart simply glowed. The light and warmth
that poured from the jewel into her chest comforted her in a way that nothing
else could have. Yan gripped it tightly. Suddenly the warmth covered all of her
body, and a purple light filled her vision. The aches from old wounds and
living for far too long faded away, and the strength of youth swelled up from a
long-forgotten life. Her crooked back straightened, her hair thickened, the
arthritis dissipated, the ignored pains of old healed.
And then it was gone. The warmth had
completely evaporated.
But Yan still felt incredibly strong. She’d
clamped her eyes tightly shut to save her eyesight. Now, panting, feeling a
deep fear, and an even deeper hope, the former Guardian opened her eyes.
It’d been a shock to see herself as an old
woman. And yet it seemed only natural for her to look in the mirror and see
herself as she had appeared so many years ago. She wore the purple and blue of
the Guardians of Meridian in the style of a male changshan. Her high-necked,
purple top had long, flowing sleeves and the blue, cropped pants had billowy,
wide legs. The snow-white hair was no longer down to her knees; it was cut
short and was now the same blue-black that Hay Lin had inherited. And on her
back was a pair of glittering, green wings.
After studying her reflection for a few
moments, the current Guardian of Air took a deep breath.
“You better still be alive, boy,” Yan sang
out in her native tongue, gripping the Heart again.
Then she did something she hadn’t in a very
long time. She flew.
And here we go with chapter 3 of part 2 of WITCH! I almost wrote part 23. Yeah, I don't think we're going to have that many parts. Are we?
ReplyDeleteQuick note: "W.i.t.c.h. The Full Stor: Part II Chapter 3 - Yan Lin"
StorY, not Stor
=)
You think it's good? Since normally when you're unhappy with your chapters they tend to be phenomenal, this will probably be SUPER-phenomenal! <3
First, gotta say, love the font you use for the actual chapter title!
Mmm, house lo mein...yummm...
"After tossing out some underwear and ancient clothes that'd hid the glowing jewel..."
that HAD HIDDEN
but that's really clever! Her hiding the jewel under her underthings. That'll keep any nosy people from digging around in it, I'd imagine.
Oh, good, she laid down. I'd hate for her to pass out or fall over or something.
OMG! Compound fracture? JEEZ! How long as he been down there? After a day or two, gangrene would set in, and any part of the arm infected would have to be cut off unless healed via magical whatever. I didn't realize he had bone sticking out. Also, he'd be bleeding. Still. Because it's an open wound that is being held open by a bone that keeps moving every time he does. Even if he holds as still as possible, he's still gonna move a little. Jeez...that poor thing. I want to hug him so bad. Also, you say "If that wound remained untreated, he'd be disfigured for life." Since it's his arm, he wouldn't be disfigured. Crippled, possibly, but any horrible scars or whatever would be hidden by a shirt.
"This is a Bringer of Light."
Oooh. Indeed?
"He'd die from thirst long before the girls would be strong enough..."
Oh, yeah. After being super-dehydrated from torture and whatnot, I'd give him 4 or 5 days - tops.
I love how this disembodied voice talks. "His world will fade and die in Darkness without him." Cool.
"He slipped into unconsciousness, hoping to never wake again."
Since you're talking about Kaleb, I'd change "He" to "The brutalized youth" or something.
"That's when she realized she was crying, had since she'd seen him in the dungeon."
had BEEN since she'd seen THE BOY in the dungeon
1st change is necessary
2nd change makes it smoother
"The moment the Heart had called to her, she thought she was only nineteen again..."
she'D thought she was only...
WAIT!
ReplyDeleteI remember this!!!
She's gonna be young again and be all kick-butt and gung-ho!! EEEK!
"Suddenly the warmth covered all of her body, and a purple light filled her vision."
I'd say "Suddenly warmth flooded her body"
Ooooh, purple light! EXCITEMENT!
So real quick, I started to write "excitement," typed "EXC" and thought, "Excitement doesn't go that way. It's ECX." Because I'm a dork fish.
"The aches from old wounds and living for far too long faded away, and the strength of youth swelled up from a long-forgotten life. Her crooked back straightened, her hair thickened, the arthritis dissipated, the ignored pains of old healed."
You mention "The aches from old wounds...faded away," at the beginning of this, then say "the ignored pains of old healed." It's basically the same thing.
"Her Mandarin came out harsh, no longer the musical song it used to be."
Ooooh...I like this phrasing. COOL!
I keep saying "cool." But still - COOL!
I like how Yan is like, "OMG, I'm old" after the Heart talks to her, but then when she sees that she's young, she's just like, "Oh, there I am." I really like that.
I love how you describe Yan. And I like that the female outfit looks like a man's outfit from China. That's kinda cool. I know you didn't come up with that (did you?) but the way you describe it is cool. And research always helps. Good job!
And yay, wings! Ugh, I sound like I've had too much sugar.
"Then she did something she hadn't in a very long time."
hadn't DONE in a very
"She flew."
O.O
DUDE!
BEST ENDING!!
That's great. It's like, "Recaptured youth! Yay!"
Awesome.
Oh, boo. The end. Now I have to go do dishes. Le sigh. But it's all for you, dear! Hugs!
So don't forget (since we talked about this) to mention that Kaleb hasn't been in prison for more than 24 hours, cuz of the gangrene thing. But other than that, AWESOME CHAPTER!!
Going to do dishes now! HUGS!
<3